Off the Record (You're Not Out There, Are You?)

Ahem...

I've developed the most ridiculous fear that some of the programs I've applied to are finding my blog and actually reading it. This would be a terrible, terrible thing.

"But you're anonymous," you might say. Well, not so much, if you've read my SOP.

How would they find me? I have no idea. (The forums? Google? The tin foil hat I'm wearing?)

Aren't I blowing my relative importance in the MFA world completely out of proportion by worrying that actual faculty are taking the time to scour the internet looking for little old me? Well, yes, I am. That's the only thing that's keeping me from totally losing it about this.

This incredibly self-involved hypothesis is based on stupid, stupid StatCounter. I wish I never installed it. Besides telling me how many people stop by the blog, I just discovered that I can see where they're checking it from. In the past week or two, I've had hits from both Syracuse and U Minnesota.

Of course, I also had hits from Indiana U and Boston U and U Arizona and U Alabama and U Tennessee, and I didn't apply to any of those. The most likely explanation is that these hits are just fellow/future applicants/students looking for MFA info. If so, hi!

But today, on the day when U Florida started notifying for fiction, I see a hit from Gainesville. What?! What?!

So, on the off chance that my paranoid delusions are in fact not delusions (humor me?), I just want to say that some of what I say on this blog is silly, and all of it is off the record, and most of all---please don't judge me based on my babble? Also, hi.

Actually, I'll extend that message to everyone out there in TV-land, not just the imaginary MFA faculty. This process (and waking up at 4 am for my job) is kind of wearing away at my sanity these days. Maybe an open diary was just a bad idea, during decision season.

Too late to turn back now---I believe I believe I believe I'm falling in love? What song is that again? Where am I?

Now back to our regularly scheduled blog, where I'll try to tune the crazy down. Thanks!

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UPDATE 4/1:

They will find your blog, no matter how anonymous you think you are, and they will read it. And, undoubtedly, they will snicker behind their hands at how silly you are. And even if they don't, you'll always be sure that they did. Just a little warning, there.

Rejected 2: The Really Crappy Sequel

I just got my UMass Amherst rejection in the mail, finally. I knew it was coming, but some crazy part of me was hoping I might be on a secret waitlist.

I have to admit that this one hurts a little, maybe a lot---even though I know I'm really lucky to have an acceptance to an incredible program at this point. I've been preparing myself for this (see below), but I'm still kind of on the verge of tears.

Part of me SO wants to be back east, and my uncle went to college in Amherst and has been talking it up ever since I told him I wanted to go to grad school. He thinks I'm going to get in everywhere, as do most of the rest of my family---funny how people just can't seem to understand the way that MFA programs make their decisions.

I keep trying to explain to them that it's not about my grades or GREs or even my SOP. Sample, sample, sample. I'm grateful that my family understands why I want to go to grad school, and that most are even supportive of me pursuing an MFA. (Crazy art school degree...I do get the "What are you going to do with that?" spiel from the extended family I'm not so close with.)

But they think that because I was successful in undergrad, I'm automatically going to get into all these programs and have my pick, with multiple funding offers served to me on a platter. When I told my mom about my first assumed rejection (now a reality), she was way more upset than I was. "I just don't understand why they don't want you!"

Oh, Mama. You don't get it.

Anyway, please forgive me for whining when I don't really have the right. Feel free to mentally slap me. Now I'm waiting for my Michigan rejection---that one won't feel nearly as bad.

I need to get over myself. Down, ego, down!

Good luck to everyone, as always, and continuing congratulations and condolences as this maddening process goes on.

*

PS---I was a little bit miffed to see that the letter came from the graduate admissions office, not the department itself. Feels like they didn't even want to waste their letterhead on me. Sigh.